Eyes to See with

 It will be 3 in the afternoon before I realize what day I am in. My feet hit the ground running with completing task after obligation after appointment and I hardly even look up to see where I am going. Result is a numbed mind, swept up so far away from the ground I can see it in the clouds. It's so easy to look straight through the people you encounter every day because all you are focused on is fighting to get through. So much is missed when you don't use your own eyes to see with. Too busy with this to ever get to enjoy that. Deep breath...

Right now we can reset and remind ourselves that it's possible to get out of this hectic and ugly routine. Life is so short. Sometimes I'm so busy SAYING how little time I have to do anything rather than shutting up and soaking up every moment loving life. Totally not an easy thing to love life when there's a storm raining down on you or someone you love. Not easy to love life when you have a million things to do and not a single thing involves enjoying yourself. Right in the busiest, most stressful moments of our days are the perfect times to reset our eyes to see the big picture. All of a sudden the tasks ahead seem attainable and conquerable. When the obligations become smaller obstacles obstructing our view, we can see the beauty in the little, but most important things throughout our days.

Beautiful and mysterious are the lives we lead...everything can change in a split second but if we equip ourselves to flex and bend with the curves it will all be okay.

Help!

I'm learning. Slowly, but not very surely. Learning as a mother, as a woman, as a single person, as a
human takes time and a listening ear. 

    The word help often has a has a negative connotation which is a sad reality. I look around at everyone and at myself these days and think, wow, we all keep to ourselves so much. Does anyone ask for help anymore? Does everyone have it together, did I miss that lecture?And what if I did ask for help? I know! I would be labeled helpless and lost. Not strong enough. And what would a bad label like that do to my social life? Oh my gosh, I just won't even go there! Not now.

I got news. There's nothing more freeing than expressing your needs to not only your friends or family but to the people in your community. This feeling is a little like dumping a load of garbage off a bridge. You no longer have to carry around the stench of worry and loneliness. Get it out and get it off! I was amazed when I figured this out. Never had I ever felt poorly towards someone who came to ME asking for a favor or help. Why should anyone feel that towards me if I asked for help? No reason. It's simply a lie we tell ourselves because we want to be strong and independent. Well stop that right now, ladies and gentleman. What are we doing in this life if we aren't there to share with each other support of words, money, clothing, food, WHATEVER! We all have valuable things to offer one another. Lay it down, that thing called pride, and free yourself. You might even make friends along the way. Not just Facebook friends but real ones. And about that listening ear. Listen for opportunities. Listen for others outcries of pain and need. Stop staring at your phones all day and look another person in the eyes. It's amazing what could happen....

I tried it....

Oh my gosh, so, after 3-4 weeks of telling Royce "NO, STOP, KNOCK IT OFF, OUCH" to try and get him to stop hitting the TV with his toys and failing miserably I finally tried...IT! I swiftly snatched the toy car out of his hand and smacked him on the hand. He looked down at his hand then looked up and me and walked away laughing. I had to laugh too considering I inflicted little to no pain because I didn't have the balls to do it full force. I took so many child development classes and everyone tells you that spanking does nothing productive and yet I was always the advocate for it in the room. 

I was spanked as a child. I don't actually remember why I was but I definitely remember feeling shame and the obvious, pain. Once I had Royce I changed my mind about spanking, I was NOT going to do that. I would be more diplomatic, kind, loving, patient, reasonable. Well yesterday I had to just see if it would actually work. I just didn't have it in me to really give it an honest try. Different parenting styles, different kids, different ages all yield different approaches. Does spanking teach kids boundaries, respect? I don't really know, but I know now that it's just not me. So, now I'm just going to pray he listens to me...yep, I'm passive. I'll probably pay for it too.

..Ramblings..

Royce copies everything I do. I love it. I think he admires me. It also scares me because I have to keep myself in check constantly. Pre-Royce there was no one to keep me accountable. He's the perfect partner for this. My little sponge. I am the best version of myself to date for two major reasons. 1. The Grace of God. 2. Having Royce as a son. While I seriously do not suggest to people to have a baby just to change themselves or their circumstances I can guarantee that it will. Every aspect is flipped and turned and magnified. The choices I make today effect Royce's childhood and the rest of his life. No pressure!

If you knew me before I had Royce you know that I am not the same person I once was. Sometimes my old self, my ugly, close minded, impatient, angry self comes out and let me tell you, I hate it. I despise it. It makes me sick. We do not get along. When you have a little one screaming and hanging onto your leg while you attempt to do the simple task of taking milk out of the fridge your own house can feel a lot like a mental hospital. And that's when your mentally ill self rips out of you and takes hold of your actions. Your babe stands there looking up at you like you two have never met...oh gosh...mommy lost it. I turn back to prayer. I turn back to the fruits of the Spirit. I am at peace once again. Why is our patience tested? Why is it just so hard? Well we are done with high school, we are done with college. Done with petty drama, done with drugs, done with partying, drinking, playing the field. What else is there to teach us the valuable lessons of life? Reproduction and the entry into a journey of reliving your childhood from a not as fun perspective because everything costs a million dollars and you have to be 36 inches tall to ride on it. I love it. It's made me find myself and it's grounded me. Having my patience tested is eye opening. I can't pass on a challenge. I'm too competitive. I'll show those mom's how well behaved and clean and smart my kid is! Time, energy, dedication, whole-hearted perseverance is what it takes. And by gosh I'm going to do it!

Remembering today that this is a privilege, motherhood. I am Royce's and he is mine. Never taking a moment for granted.  

Facebook...not the place

People, moms especially, love nothing more (except their own children) than giving others advice. Advice on birthing your baby, feeding your baby, disciplining your child, holding your child, dressing your child and on and on. With social media at our finger tips every second of the day we are tempted with being allowed to blurt out personal beliefs. With that we are bombarded with a whole slew of nonsense advice. It made me feel, as a first time mom, like I wasn't doing EVERYTHING I could with my child. She wears her baby, and she lets her kid feed himself with a fork, oh, and she still nurses her toddler. Should I?? There are cliques who feed off each others enthusiasm and passion on certain methods and quite honestly make other mom's who don't do what they do feel inadequate and defensive.

We are divided as parents more than ever before. If you aren't still nursing your 3 year old you probably can't hang with them. If you let your kid run around without her hair brushed and braided you probably can't hang with them. It's getting out of control. Who really cares? Not the kids! I would feel like a free woman if I got on Facebook and didn't have to see some argument between mom's on how to cope with your child's teething pains. It's exhausting. I admit I have gotten sucked into debates trying to prove to everyone that getting your baby boy circumcised is the way to go! But wait...does it really matter?

There are times and there are places to give others advice. If we held back airing our personal achievements of potty training, sleep training and child-rearing we may come across as approachable, or better yet, loving parents. I hope it changes. I know many who feel the same as I do. As a christian woman trying to be a Godly example to my kid I would hope that when he was older and could read everything I wrote he would be proud of me.

On a positive note, prayers have been answered since my last post. Thanks to all who read. Enjoy the Holidays.

Hold Them Tight

Lights turned off, tummy full from dinner, I carried my baby boy into his room. Every night is the same exact routine. I've always thrived off of the same schedule day in and day out. Royce depends on it and it gives me sanity. Tonight felt different, more important. Royce knows no difference but I'm his mommy and with that comes heavy responsibility and intense, passionate love that knows no boundaries. I climbed into bed, laid him across my lap and begin to hum our usual song. "Jesus Loves me...this I know...for the Bible tells me so.." His little warm body started to relax and soften and I could hear his breathing begin to slow down and deepen. Every other night I get anxious around this time and hope he goes down quickly so I can have my "me" time. Again, tonight felt different. 

I savored and absorbed this quiet moment and stopped my thoughts from taking me anywhere but there. Tomorrow is never a for sure thing. What if this really was my last night to rock him and snuggle him and soothe him? No, I won't let my mind go there. But I taught myself a lesson then and there. Slow down. I was given this miracle, this blessing of a life to hold in my very hands. Who am I to rush him to bed so I can have my time? This is our time to make the absolute most of every day, every night. He is mine and I am his and we are the Lord's. 

This journey of motherhood has been far from smooth, far from easy but I am thankful for each challenge along the way. What is a challenge for if not to teach us a valuable lesson? I am writing to tell myself and anyone else caught up in the midst of a messy battle, or a dark time to hold tight. Hold tight to your little one, hold tight to the promise that you are loved. There is nothing too difficult for us to conquer..as long as we give it up to the hands of our Maker.

With all that said I ask for anyone who prays diligently to pray for Royce and I. For protection, for understanding and for peace. Life is not meant to be lived alone. Strength in numbers. Thank you. 

Separation Anxiety..Help

     So, I am 5 months into this parenting thing and I wonder when is it okay to do things for myself or on my own without my baby? I have gone out and had dinner, shopped at the mall once, and had a haircut but I always feel so guilty! Pre-Royce I did everything I ever wanted when I wanted and not that I am missing that but my free spirit hasn't changed. I feel a very strong pull to just stay home and stick with the exact same routine every single evening..well it's Friday today. While I would love to go out with a girlfriend for martini's at Paul Martins I take one look at my baby boy,throw my sweats on and hunker down with him. Also, how much time out of the house with him is too much? I am so scared to over-do anything with him that we usually just hang out at home or in our neighborhood. I am probably being way too over the top sensitive but I do want some suggestions about how to get over my fear of taking him out. And I also need suggestions on how to get over that motherly separation anxiety. I want a strong bond with him but I also need my space every now and then.